I have been following Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg on Twitter for some time now. And when I heard of this book coming out I was intrigued enough that I pre-ordered it and started waiting.
Rabbi Ruttenberg talks in the book about how it started with a Twittter thread speaking of Jewish thought in the area of repentance and forgiveness and reconciliation. While I do not remember exactly what was said in that thread I do remember reading it.
In this book Ruttenberg makes extensive use of the work of medieval Jewish scholar Maimonides. SHe explores an approach to repentance that is very different than the one I grew up with. To begin with, apology is something that happens near the END of the process, not at the beginning. Since the rationale for this is that we can not offer a true, meaningful apology until we have fully named and owned what we have to apologize for this makes much more sense than many apologies that I have heard over the years.
The other big difference is that there is a clear separation between the work of repentance and making amends and forgiveness. It also states that reconciliation may or may not be the end result of the process. The goal of repentance in this model is not necessarily to be forgiven, it is to name what has happened, understand what damage has been done, offer a true apology, and make amends as best one can. Forgiveness is something that may (or may not) be offered by the offended person, and even then forgiveness does not have to lead to reconciliation and a return to relationship. Compared to a common Christian teaching that expects forgiveness (and probably reconciliation) after every apology this made me think a lot. I think it many ways it is a healthier approach and avoids a cheap grace view of apology and forgiveness.
It is also worth naming that from a faith stance Ruttenberg makes clear that only the offended/victim can offer forgiveness to the offender. Threfore God can only forgive sin inasmuch as it is an offense to God, God can not forgive us for the ways we have hurt our neighbour -- that is up to the neighbour. This level of accountability would likely be helpful in a Christian sense (and is in accord with the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 5:21-26). When we have to be held accountable by our neighbout and can not get a free pass from God it may push us to take the needs of our neighbour far more seriously.
This book addresses the topic at a personal level, at a community/organizational level, and at a national level. Each different piece carries different complications and obligations. THis discussion helped me sort out my misgivings about the Canadian Truth and Reconciliation process and why we seem to be stuck and unable to move into true reconciliation. I think we offered apology too soon in the process and there is still a reluctance to name and understand the harms done, which hampers the movement to true repentance and making of amends.
There is much in this book I could see myself using in the future. Now to see if I can remember it when the time comes....
